Post-Op OB Visit and Our Tribute

Yesterday, we had our post-op visit with our OB and overall, I think it went pretty well.  The doctor went over the pathological report and thankfully, they didn't find anything out of the ordinary so basically, it was a fluke that I miscarried.  I guess I am thankful for that.

He gave us the green light to try again after one cycle (though I think we'll wait a bit longer) and also told us to come in after 3 unsuccessful cycles and they will try to help us.  I don't know that we'll run in after 3 cycles for help but I guess it's nice to have that option.

The doc also told us that the chances of miscarriage go down now that I have had one.  I don't really know if I believe that since I have known others that have had more than one but I need to focus on positivity so that is what I'll be doing!  :)

Also, the doc decided to run some bloodwork because I am still not feeling 100% myself.  I am not sure if its because of my emotions, if something else is going on, or simply that I am still healing from the surgery but I feel more tired and lethargic than usual.  He also wanted to test to make sure my HCG is 0.  I should get the results back tomorrow sometime.

Overall, I think it was a very positive visit.  The doc was concerned about my emotional well-being (I was shocked!!) and he spent about a 1/2 hour with us answering all the questions I had.  The visit left me feeling very hopeful for our future and I guess that is as much as we can ask for at this moment!

Finally, over the weekend, Steve and I bought a little stuffed animal to help us remember our baby.  To me, it's perfect.  It's a mamma doggie holding a baby doggie and from the moment I saw it, I knew it was what I wanted.  At least I can look at and hold this little stuffed animal and remember our little bean...we still love and miss him so much!

Here are a few pictures:

Our Weekend

I have to say, we are having a pretty good weekend.  Steven ended up taking yesterday off so we got to spend some time together and it was really nice.  We even had a date night last night...something we don't get to do very often because of his work schedule.  

We battled through the snow to make it to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner (we had gift cards!) and then went to see the movie Gran Torino.  We both thought the movie was fantastic!  The movie was set primarily in Highland Park, Michigan but also had many other scenes filmed in the Detroit Metropolitan area and although the city wasn't portrayed in a high regard, it was still neat to see our area up on the Big Screen.

During dinner, we really had a good conversation about what happened with the miscarriage and where we want to go next in our TTC adventures.  We both agreed we need a bit of a break to re-group and heal emotionally.  We will re-evaluate in the next few months.  We both know we can't wait too long since I just hit the big 3-2 on Thursday but we both think a little break will do us just fine!

Today, we are headed over to mom's to celebrate Auntie Mary's birthday and mine as well.  Mom is making a feast and I can't wait to spend some time with my family and eat a yummy home-cooked meal.

I also think I am finally healing from the surgery, thankfully.  I am spotting very infrequently and I hope that I am finally past it.  It takes such a toll mentally to heal from the surgery physically.  On Tuesday, we have my post-surgical follow-up with the doctor.  I have some questions I want to ask but more than anything, I want to get it over with.  I am beyond ready to move on from this and get back to our "normal" life.  

Have a good Sunday everyone!

We booked our vacation!

I am so excited to be getting away for a whole week with Steven!!  We could totally use the break from here and need to spend some time with each other.  The sun won't be so bad either!

We are going to an all-inclusive Sandals resort in Jamaica for 6 wonderful nights towards the end of March.  Just under 6 weeks away.  

Here is a link to our resort!

http://www.sandals.com/main/royal/rj-home.cfm

Sister Time and #23 on My List

Saturdays are usually pretty lonely for me because Steve works and I am home. Usually, I am just fine. I use this day to run errands, catch up on TV shows and just relax. This Saturday is a little different. I knew I had to keep myself busy or I would begin thinking of our baby and the miscarriage and I really didn't wan't do that so I decided to spend some time with my sister.

We went shopping at Target and then went to lunch. We ended up at what seems to be our normal Saturday afternoon lunch spot...Olga's. It was very yummy!! Then we were off to the movies to see Slumdog Millionaire.


The movie was amazing and the music was even more fantastic. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. The story keeps moving and really sucks you in until the very end. I get why this movie is up for the Best Picture and I hope it wins.

In other news, I have completed #23 on my list. I decided that for Valentine's Day, I would write Steven a letter to let him know how much he means to me and how much I love him. After the week (and month) we have had, the one positive that has come from all of this is that I feel our relationship has grown to a new level. He is now (more than ever) my rock, my support and my best friend! I can't imagine going through this life without him. I figured the letter would be the best way for me to tell him exactly how I feel. I hope he likes it!

Happy Valentine's Day all! I hope you have a fabulous day!

And, Hello Grief!

Last night was a rough, rough nite for me. I had a very hard time getting ahold of my emotions and working through them and as a result, I got everyone worried about me. I very much appreciate the concern but I just need some time to work through what I am feeling. In the end, I know I am going to be ok but for right now, I need to do my best to work through what I am feeling and deal with it.

Thank you to all who have come forward and shared your stories of loss with me. It makes me so sad that so many of us deal with this but I appreciate the feedback and the knowledge that what I am feeling and going through are normal and that it will get better. That seems pretty impossible to me right now but I am taking it one day at a time.

On a happier note, Steve and I still want to try and take a vacation in March. I cant wait to get it worked out so that we have something to look forward to. I also look forward to spending some time with just him. He really does make me feel better and he gives me hope for our future. Hopefully, we can decide soon and get it booked!

I ask that everyone keep praying for us...we still need them. Thx!

Another Day...

After an extremely rough night of emotion, tears, and comfort from my amazing husband (my rock), we headed to the hospital at about 10am.

I woke up feeling a bit at peace.  Missing my little one, but peace.  Everyone at the hospital was so extremely nice to me and I felt genuine sorrow when they told me they were sorry for our loss.  In fact, one of my surgical nurses suffered a loss herself and she handled me with compassion and kindness.   

My doctor is also amazing.  I absolutely love him.  I recently switched to this practice a year before we started trying to conceive.   I am so glad to have found him.  There is a lot to be said for bedside manner and he has it.  He made all of us (mom came too) so comfortable, relaxed and prepared for the procedure.  He also wanted me to understand that this is not my fault and there is nothing more i could have done.  I am trying to accept it but it's very hard.  The procedure itself went fine.  I am cramping and bleeding a bit but not as bad as I thought it would be.  

At this point, I am still in mourning for our baby but emotionally, I am doing OK.  The doc told us that we can start trying after one cycle and we'll see where we go with that.  Right now, I want to get back to living my life and getting off this couch.  I have spent way too much time on it over the last month.  Steve and I decided to plan a vacation for late March.  I am extremely excited for this.  We both need to get away, re-focus and spend some time with each other.  Maybe we will take our dream trip and go to Hawaii.  We'll see.

I want to thank everyone for their support but most of all, my husband.  He is amazing.  I also have a wonderful support system in my mom and dad, sister, mother and father in law and a few special friends.  I couldn't ask for more supportive people to be around me right now.  We will be OK with time.  It sucks beyond all hell but we will be OK.

Thank you all for everything! 

Devastation

Our worst fears were confirmed today at the ultrasound.  There was no heartbeat and the baby barely grew.  I have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow at 10am Eastern.

Of course, we are devastated beyond words.  Absolutely no words can describe the pain and confusion we are going through.  

We love our little bean.  God rest your soul, little one.  Mom and Dad love you very much.

At My Wits End

I know I am over-reacting but I honeslty feel like I am at my wits end with this pregnancy. God, I really want my baby to survive and thrive but I seriously don't know anymore. I have spent the week on the couch with my feet up and I am STILL spotting. I seriously dont even know what to do anymore except for cry. I have got yet another call into the OB and I am waiting for her to call me back but seriously, what is she going to be able to do? Nothing. I just want someone to tell me that my baby will survive and then I will be able to endure anything. Right now though, I feel like I am just delaying the inevitable and I feel awful.

I know crying and being upset isnt helping anything but I just cant help it. Not to mention, I still dont feel good. This is definitely not how I envisioned my pregnancy going.

I really miss Steve right now. I wish he was home with me but he needed to work. I just feel so helpless right now. I just keep praying the spotting will end and I can start enjoying pregnancy again. One hour at a time...

8 weeks...and of course, issues.

I am going to bypass my "8 weeks" post in light of all the issues we are having this week...it's the perfect trifecta, that is for sure.

Last Friday, I came down with a righteous sinus infection that is still going on. I coughed my ass off all weekend and even made a few comments to others that "I am coughing so much, I am going to cough this baby right out!".

Well, on Monday morning, I woke up to heavy spotting, extremely light flow. ugh, just wonderful. I, of course, called the OB right away and they rushed me in for an ultrasound. By the time I made it to my appointment about an hour later, the flow had stopped and I had light spotting. The tech did the ultrasound but because my bladder wasn't full, it was hard for her to get a clear picture. After a little bit of negotiating, she found our little bean...heart beating strong and measuring perfectly at 8 weeks. I was, of course, over joyed but so sick that I could barely hold my head up. OB's explanation was either implantation or that there could be a little blood behind the placenta that needed to come out. Ugh, I am not sure but all I know is that the bleeding/spotting has stopped and I am taking it easy. Not straying to far from the couch these days....

This sinus infection is just kicking my ass. I went to my regular doc on Monday for this and she decided, knowing that I was 8 weeks pregnant and having issues, to give me tylenol with codeine to help me rest. I took the piece of paper with something in my mind flickering but again, too sick to be my own advocate. When I mentioned it to my good friend Casey, she immediately told me to call the OB because the codeine is a narcotic. I called the OB and he told me to absolutely not take it. Greeeaaaatttt. I am sticking with my tylenol and Robitussin DM. Finally, I am starting to feel a bit better. My goal is to sleep in my bed tonight instead of propped up on the couch!

Lastly, Steven came in yesterday and told me not to worry (he knew I already was pretty fragile) but that we had a major leak in the roof....to the point where he had to pull up the carpet in the spare bedroom and has to go up in the attic and empty the bucket every few hours. We called the condo association but there wont be much they can do until everything melts. Thankfully, Steve is handling it and I am basically just choosing to not go in the spare bedroom and look because if I don't, it's not happening, right?? :)

All in all, it's been another stressful week and to be honest, I am not even a litle bit excited for the pregnancy anymore. I hope that as we go over the next few weeks, it will get better but right now, I am trying my best to be positive but the excitement is completely gone. I feel like I am being robbed of the pregnancy experience but it is what it is.

I may be just one of those special people that bleed/spot during their pregnancy. I may miscarry. Who knows at this point. All I know is that today I am pregnant and I love my baby. I read that on someone else's blog a while back and it really stuck with me.

Keep praying, my peeps!